Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
i really wish james franco would like my vagina
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
I just watched Matt try to put on a pillowcase thinking it was a t-shirt.
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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