I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"
hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Well he's in a two year college so technically hes a senior. At least can we just pretend I'm not robbing the cradle.
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
"YOU A2TE UNDERAGE LOL" Got that at 2am. Gotta stop dating alcoholics.
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
Randomize
