Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I’m on my way to fuck the new hockey player
Ride him like a Zamboni
Randomize
