Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
