You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?
DONT TALK SHIT ABOUT LUNCHABLES
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
