I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
I think i just made eye contact with his roommate... while doing reverse cowgirl. Yup i have no shamee
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