how can u be prego again
I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I don't deserve a penis
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
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