Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Do I have to cook for the potluck? Can I just bring a costco size bottle of Vodka?
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
Randomize
