I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
I tried to stop that, but then I pulled the leaves out of my panties and went to sleep.
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
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