It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Randomize
