apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Randomize
