I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
She's like a pop up book from hell.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
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