Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
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