that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
