He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
The number of times I have seen your cock and the number of times I have wanted to see your cock are different!
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I just did the math technically I'll be drunk until 2:30-3:00pm
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
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