her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
