dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
