Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
the day has come. I have finally reached the point in my life where I just don't give a fuck about anything anymore. it's beautiful!
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Randomize
