guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I'm sitting in my room naked waiting for him. When he gets here im going to make him do 20 pushups and lick my clit for a hour
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Come on in and take your pants off
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