So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.
You're 20.
IT'S BUILD A BEAR!
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm sad we weren't friends when I went through my "I like drugging my friends" phase
50% drunk capacity currently
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
He drinks vodka like healthy people drink water and I wanted to have his adopted gay babies. That's all. I'm going to go find him and potentially propose.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
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