So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
Today's goals: get day drunk then sober up in time for the walking dead tonight.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Randomize
