i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
I have to collect my sorority sisters from greek row... I hate how being dd is a night and morning job
he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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