I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
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