Leave Me Alone
At least least me cry on your voice mail
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I was rolling balls and tried to donate blood as an act of kindness to the sick person who would receive it
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
think I signed up for a 5k last night while blackout.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
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