guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
scratch that I can tell you where she is shes drunk on a beach somewhere being a penis slayer
I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
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