i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Randomize
