I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
