You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm about to play another round of who's panties are in my car.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
taking shots alone in my kitchen before I go learn to give a lapdance. when did this become my life?
Randomize
