My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
do you think they ever dumped Gatorade over Michael Vick's head after his dog won?
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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