Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
My professor just said irregardless, get me out of here
I guess he's ir-illiterate
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