i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
This couple is walking their pig around campus
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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