The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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