Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize