She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
He told me he sees me like a sister then 10 mins later tried to make out with me.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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