well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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