Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
