I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize