I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
