HOLD UP I think she only has eight fingers...
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
Randomize
