Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
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