Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
Yeah I had to push her down the hallway to the hotel room in a luggage carrier. The guy at the desk told me goodluck
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
If I could drive and get you Starbucks I would... But that's probably not a good idea. On account of the drugs.
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
Drove by a cop already pulling someone over and toasted him with my bong
It's 4 in the afternoon........
I think we might have a drinking problem when the ASU kids called us crazy
No one made them take a shot with us at the 12 hour mark. That's their bad
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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