I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
So high I started thinking my desktop picture of a cat was too erotic for the workplace.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
would it be okay if I showed up at your house naked? and is your door unlocked?
Randomize
