Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I am spending my child support on dildos
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
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