The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
Can I have the boy from 16 and pregnant's next baby???
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
Randomize
