Peanut Butter and turkey sandwich...this may come back to haunt me
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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