Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?
The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
He's super sweet. I feel like I'm dating Elmo. If Elmo had a 7 incher
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
Randomize
