I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
Btw, how did you break into my room, and why did you decide that covering the mushrooms with a blanket was more secure than a lock on my door?
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
