i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Questions: How did Rachel get home? Why did I find both her ID's in my shoes? And does anyone know if she's alive?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
Randomize
