I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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