Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.
I realized I was totally the dude in that hook up. I came first and didn't wanna help him finish. And he had paisley sheets.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
Kyle's mobile fuck service..... Kinda has a nice ring to it don't you think??
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Why were you naked on your bathroom floor?
It was a "get entirely naked to take a shit" kind of blackout I think.
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Randomize
