I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
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