She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
