I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
According to my Fitbit I was passed out in my car for 2 hours after she got us kicked out of the bar
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
Randomize
