I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I wonder if there is a über wall of shame that you are currently on. Like between drivers.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
What's a sexy way to say balls deep???
Randomize
