i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
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