You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I got the number from the girl at uhaul even after she saw me throw up all over the parking lot with a 6 pack in my hands.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
Nothing says casual like stairwell bjs
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
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