So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
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