You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Hey do you or anyone you know want to get drunk for free? At 4pm tonight at rctc for field sobriety training for future cops
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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