Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I dont need to watch it. And stop comparing your life to Entourage.
oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
But I was triple fisting doubles, that's bound to be a good time. Might have a broken collarbone though.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
didn't realize her mom was home while we were fucking, but she's oddly okay with it. she made us food afterwards. but then kept talking about having grand kids the whole time. is it time to bail?
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
