highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
he calls himself the gay cupid because he matches two guys looking to hookup on craigstlist with each other. get me out of here. please.
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Randomize
