Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
