The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.
did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
Randomize
