found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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