i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
it's okay that you two hooked up in the family bathroom at the mall.. i just pray to god you were not making a family in the family bathroom..
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
Randomize
